Can I tell you a story?
Last week marked one year since my grandma’s passing and I did everything I could to stay busy all day, to keep my emotions and memories at bay. Gabe and I made plans that night to pick up our dog from my parents’ house (she pretty much splits her time between two homes because she’s utterly spoiled) but we made a quick stop at the grocery store for some essentials we were missing; milk, cereal, etc.
Mom and I are big dessert people and with the anniversary of the loss of my grandma I felt the need to pick up something sweet to celebrate her life. Why not? Food is healing and dessert felt like a good way to remember her. We found a small pumpkin Swiss roll cake, grabbed a big #1 candle because if we were going to celebrate her first year in heaven we felt that we might as well go big, and headed for the register.
Our cashier was a sweet, young girl. Bright-eyed and excited to help us, she started scanning our purchases with a lighthearted conversation. That is, until she made it to the cake and candle.
“Whoa! Who are we celebrating today?! Who turned one!?” She asked, joyfully through no fault of her own.
Gabe and I looked at each other a little helplessly. Do we lie? Are we honest?
“It’s actually a bit morbid?” Gabe replied while eyeing me to finish the conversation. “My grandma passed away last year and it’s the anniversary of her first year in heaven — so we’re celebrating her and her life,” I finished for us.
Silence. Devastatingly-awkward, no-words-can-describe, silence in return.
We paid, walked out, and I immediately started laugh-weeping. In our attempt to hold a bit of joy on a difficult day, we got stuck in a comically awkward moment and the sadness I had been hiding from all day finally showed up and let itself out. I was holding joy (at the hilarious awkwardness of the moment) and sadness (at the recognition of our deep loss) in one.
Internally I felt a bit chaotic and frazzled. Imagine a beating heart leaking water at the sides, teardrops falling from its face, but also you can’t stop laughing and it hurts all the same? That was me as I walked out of the Food Lion parking lot, with Gabe at my side doing what he could to both comfort and acknowledge the hilarious awkwardness of our shopping trip.
Life is filled with so much loss: the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, the loss of your routine because a hurricane came through and devastated normalcy as you knew it.
But life is also filled with so much joy: your team finally winning a game after several rounds of losses, a book giving you the ultimate *they all lived happily ever after* ending, going away for a girls trip to the beach.
This is the “yes, and” of life.
Sadness and joy don’t need to sit in different realms.
No, sadness and joy have the opportunity to be in the same place at the same time. And, as humans, we have the ability to acknowledge the sadness we’re feeling while holding the joy we’re experiencing together. And it doesn’t make us less than or ignorant to hold some joy in the midst of pain.
Take my grandma’s passing. It was unexpected and immediate. Within days, the woman who over-cooked for us, who could tell stories of my childhood with such fondness, the woman who loved us so deeply, was gone. Just like that, she was gone.
But, because I believe in Jesus Christ, I have the hope that I will get to see her again one day. Meaning that every year she’s in heaven, is a year closer to being reunited.
Yes, I deeply feel my grandma’s loss, and I acknowledge the joy that I will get to see her again one day. Because of that, I can choose to celebrate her with cake and candles.
Yes, my life is on a significantly different trajectory than I imagined for myself, and look at all the joy that’s come back into my life because I made the decision to leave my job.
Yes, I am struggling with infertility, and the Lord has filled the broken holes in my heart with a bundle of nieces, nephews, and godchildren that I am obsessed with and who love me deeply.
What about you?
Fill in the blanks below. It can be as simple as, “Yes, I stubbed my toe this morning to the point of oblivion, and my drive-thru coffee was made perfectly.”
Yes, ____________________, and ____________________.
Sadness and joy don’t need to live separately. We shouldn’t be martyrs for sadness when life continues to happen around us and joy comes our way. It’s okay to recognize that both will happen simultaneously and hold the truth of each element in front of us.
That’s life, right? The unexpected will come our way one second, and the immediate next something that brings us great joy.
If you’re in a season of deep sadness, what’s one thing that allows you to feel joy? Acknowledge it and hold both together. It’s possible, slightly freeing, and ultimately healing.
See you next week,
Also known as: Mama Alicia’s first grandchild, who (as she told me yearly on my birthday) would stand up on her crib and laugh with joy whenever she came into my room. Or whose first word was “chente” (baby speak for “sit”) and would scream it around the room whenever I wanted her to take a seat somewhere close to me.
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