The current state of my heart

I’ve had More Than Able by Elevation Worship on constant repeat this week.

In fact, leading up to this Thursday and the start of our foster classes, two lines in the song kept convicting me as I asked God a lot of questions about the season we’re in.

You see, my heart is in a really tender spot.

If you remember, I wrote a post last October on the “yes, and” of holding joy and sadness at once. Not the “yes, but” since that would negate everything before it, but the “yes, and” of holding and acknowledging my current emotions.

Like: Why haven’t I been able to get pregnant? and I’m so excited to be a foster mom!

Or: Why is this our journey? and God, don’t you think Gabe’s going to be the best foster dad to however many kids come through our home?

You get the gist.

In the song I mentioned above there’s a line that reads:

“You are more than able
Who am I to deny what the Lord can do?”

I don’t have answers to my questions yet, but if I truly believe in God and the plans that He has for us, I have to believe that He’s going to use our story of infertility and fostering in a way I never imagined.

Even in small group earlier this week as I shared how my heart is feeling tender and pulled in different directions, our small group leader Dave reminded me that I may not have any answers on this side of heaven. It may not even be until glory when I know and understand why God is doing what He’s doing!

So, who am I to deny what the Lord is doing through our lives in this very season?

My whole life so far has gone the opposite of the plans I’ve laid out for it. Maybe (quite possibly) the Lord is loudly reminding me that He’s got it in control and I don’t need to know the outcomes right now. And you know what? I know He does! Sometimes I just need that gentle reminder.

We’re on a really unconventional journey to have a family, but the reality of our situation is this: we have a lot of love to give and we feel led to parent children through foster care using the resources that the Lord has given us and the support of our community to do it. And that? That’s a gift.

So there you have it, the current state of my heart. Tender and trusting, questioning and yet excited.

Thank you for your continued prayers for us, friends. We feel surrounded and supported. We feel encouraged and far from alone.

I’ll leave you with this shot from our first class this week and our individual drawings of our current family. Far from artists, but sweet as can be.

Until next week,