Parenting is not for the weak, and some other thoughts…

I e-mailed my therapist late in July.

It had been a couple of years since our last session but I was reeling quite a bit with the transition of becoming an instant mom.

Here we were, as a new family of three, learning how to navigate life together. Not to mention I was navigating motherhood itself, marriage, and my own needs and work life. The juggle of it all and the realities of my own selfishness were hitting hard.

After a particularly difficult day for all of us, I burst into tears the second we put S to bed feeling a lot of things: isolation, confusion, sadness, and shame for punishing myself for remembering when days were quieter and for thinking, “wasn’t that nice?”

Here I was, finally a parent, something I had been dreaming of for years, and I was silently wishing for quieter days. For a solo shopping trip. For a night with Gabe where we could just, well, talk.

I was struggling and I needed help from someone other than my loved ones.

Escapism and rejection.

These were the two words we landed on in therapy as the key terms to explain what I was doing internally when things got hard (escaping) and why I was doing it (rejection from S during the harder moments of parenting).

You see, we stepped into a world where we were not only strangers to S, but we didn’t know anything, absolutely anything, about parenting. We were learning on the fly and I was under the assumption (feel free to laugh here) that I could step into this and be good at it.

I’m the oldest of five kids: of course I know how to change a diaper.

I’m the oldest of five kids: I’m the best at disciplining with love and grace.

I’m the oldest of five kids: I can absolutely manage work, motherhood, and being a good wife. I got this.

Ha! You guys, I didn’t.

I was going in a dark hole of my own making and 1. not giving myself enough grace in this new chapter and 2. not speaking with my village of moms about what I was going through.

NOTE TO SELF: I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE GOING THROUGH PARENTING FOR THE FIRST TIME.

So I sought out the help. Through my therapist and then through moms around me, some in similar stages, others in different but with the same (if not more) wisdom to offer. I called my mom and sister with questions, and sought out girlfriends with kids in the same age range.

And then in one of my sessions with my therapist, the nail hit the wall when she said that parenting, as a believer, is countercultural.

We live in a world where we can leave anyone who does us wrong behind. It’s the generation of “what do I need, what do I deserve.” It’s all about me.

As parents who have their foundation in Jesus Christ, we’re called to love our children (biological or not) unconditionally in the same exact way that Christ loves us humans who are broken, sinful, and selfish, unconditionally.

So when S is having a difficult time because she’s tired or hungry, and it feels like she’s taking it out on me, I have the opportunity to offer her the same exact unconditional love that Jesus Christ freely gives me though I’m annoyed, overextended, or questioning why He’s doing things the way He did.

Because Jesus loves me unconditionally even in my brokeness, I love S unconditionally through the chaos, exhaustion, discipline, etc.

I’ve quickly learned that the path to parenting is not for the weak. It’s exposed a lot of my selfishness on a path that I chose, that I wanted, and that I wake up and get to choose every day.

S has made me a better human, a kinder (and firmer) communicator, and a more patient teacher. She has filled our home with a love I didn’t know I would ever have, silly giggles, and an incredible amount of stuffed animals.

We have a long way to go, a lot of heartbreak before us, and a lot to discover about ourselves in the process, but I am so grateful that I am not alone in this. That I am reaching out to those around me for support and giving God the glory and praise for the life He has lavished us with.

Parenting is not for the weak and I know that I am already a better person because it. Because I want to be the best version of me for S and for any other children we have the opportunity to foster.

And the greatest gift in all of this? A husband who gets me, who loves me, who gives me the space to cry it out, and who encourages me to seek help and wisdom from those around us. You’re everything, Gabriel. You really are.

Until October, friends.